Grief is complicated, even when a loss is expected. And we all experience it differently—so we need to find different, unique ways to sort out our feelings and move forward with them.
But many of the most common sayings and advice aren’t actually all that helpful. In fact, some of them can be downright upsetting. Trying to find the right book or article or website when you’re dealing with grief and loss can feel like wading through a minefield.
There’s no one way to experience loss or deal with grief—but there are things that tend to be universally helpful, just the same.
When and Why We Grieve
There are many reasons we might find ourselves grieving. Losing a loved one is the most common kind of grief—not many of us will get through life without experiencing this.
But there’s also the grief that comes with losing a child or young relative.
Or we may struggle with losing a beloved pet, a marriage or other important relationship, a career or professional identity, receiving a difficult medical diagnosis, and more.
We not only mourn the loss of the person or experience, but we may find ourselves grieving the way we felt before the loss, during a time of life we may feel was simpler or happier.
Loss can come in a variety of forms, all of them valid—and most of them difficult to navigate.
“Moving Forward” Doesn’t Mean Leaving It Behind
The start of any grief process is particularly intense. It can feel like life has simply stopped—and it can be jarring to watch the rest of the world go about their typical daily routines when it feels like absolutely everything has changed for us.
Over time, this feeling will lessen. It will feel a little easier to engage in the old familiar things… Getting up, making breakfast, walking the dog, or going to work.
But the lessening of that initial intensity doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your loss. If you’re grieving a loved one, it doesn’t mean you’ve begun to care less that they’re gone.
It just means you’re moving forward with your grief.
And that’s not something you need to feel guilty about.
How To Begin Dealing With Grief and Loss
Moving forward with grief can sometimes feel like a very different concept than moving on from loss.
Often, when we think of “moving on from” something, we picture that something being left behind, in the past.
But dealing with grief and loss doesn’t work that way. Once we experience these things, they change us—they hurt, and they often widen or shift our perspectives on life, love, and what’s important, too.
Our loved ones are irreplaceable, and many other life experiences can feel that way, as well. So when we lose them, it’s just not reasonable to think we’ll someday be free of that grief… No matter what greeting cards may say.
Instead, think about moving forward with your grief—getting to a place where you can live your life to its fullest, taking what’s happened with you on the journey.
Activate Your Support System
It’s normal and even healthy to take time for yourself to grieve and process your feelings. The sights and sounds of everyday life might feel overwhelming to you when those feelings are overwhelmingly intense.
But do be careful not to isolate yourself from the friends and loved ones who can support you through this difficult time—they can’t take away your pain, but the ones willing to sit with you in peace and companionship can help you heal.
Communicate Your Needs
People will want desperately to help you, and they won’t know how. Maybe they’ll hover when you need to be alone, or they’ll drop off heavy casseroles you can’t imagine baking, or foods you’re allergic to.
Some will say the wrong things, or they’ll text you check in just a smidge too often.
Be sure to communicate your gratitude for their concern, but don’t be afraid to set boundaries or make specific requests. We’re conditioned for “politeness,” for not imposing on others. But grief is a time to rely on the communities we’re part of and the networks we’ve built.
It’s okay to respond to “how can I help?” with a particular request—and it’s okay, too, to let people know you just don’t have the capacity to respond to a multitude of visits, calls, or messages right now.
Choose a Fitting Memorial
Whether you’ve lost a loved one or are struggling through a major life transition, it can help to memorialize that person or experience in a meaningful way. It can be something as tangible as a dedicated bench at a local park your loved one often frequented or a comforting photo collage hung in an often-used area of your home.
But it can also be something simple, like taking a moment to remember before engaging in an activity—like gardening, crafting, walking on the beach—and silently dedicating that time to the memory.
Don’t Skip Self-Care
It’s easy in difficult times to put self-care on the back burner—and when loss is new, it makes sense that we’ll step back from exercising or cooking meals. Over time, though, not taking care of ourselves will do more harm than good…
It can actually intensify our sadness and slow our healing journey.
What feeds and fuels our mind, body, and soul looks a little bit different for everyone. Whether it’s running or walking, yoga or playing a sport, regular movement and nutritious food can help boost our mood, ease our sadness, and keep us healthy.
Seek Therapy and Engage with Support Groups
Dealing with grief and loss is a universal challenge—but it’s felt uniquely by every person who experiences it.
Your particular circumstances, your history, the memories you alone hold… You might struggle to find guidance for them, specifically, in a self-help book or internet article.
Sometimes, the best way to process a loss is to talk it through with people who understand. A grief therapist can walk with you on your healing journey, serving as a guide and a facilitator as you learn to move forward with the loss.
Support groups, too, can be valuable spaces to share your feelings and experiences and hear from others in an affirming, supportive environment.
Moving Forward With Grief on Your Own Timeline
There are many resources out there that will put labels and timelines on our grief. We’re told what’s normal and what isn’t, and how we should feel about losing a loved one or struggling with a major life transition.
Ultimately, though, how you handle grief is yours to choose. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to moving forward after loss of any kind.
A qualified grief therapist can support you on your timeline and with the specifics of your situation. If you’re feeling overwhelmed after loss, reaching out to a therapist might be a great option for you.
